not this again

Most of these days I don’t have time for anything but sleep. There is always so much to do, so much to think about, so much to plan out or risk getting bitten in the butt at a later time. I wish I didn’t have to understand the necessity of prioritizing everything in my life, but that’s part of growing up, I guess.

I’m surprised at how often I feel homesick. Isn’t that silly? I’m a sophomore who’s finishing up her second quarter, and sometimes all I can think about is how much I miss having my own room and a mother that takes care all of the domestic things. Now I’m the one responsible for getting groceries, and making dinner, and having enough underwear to last through the week.

There’s just so much that they don’t tell you about college. You can have the experience of your life but along the way there’s a series of snags that disguise themselves as steps towards independence. I can take having to make new friends, learning to live with people, talking to a boyfriend who’s 3000 miles away instead of 3, but damn, am I having a hard time learning to take care of myself.

I wonder when I’ll stop feeling this way, like I have one foot at home with my parents and another out the door. I thought it would be when I moved out, but that’s not true at all. Maybe it’s because I’m still financially dependent. Maybe it’s because I still want to be taken care of. Or maybe I just want a little less responsibility, a little less noise telling me that if I fuck up, it’ll all be on me.

You are always wearing your letters

“You’re interested in joining our fraternity? We’d love to have you. You’re the type of person we look for: committed, enthusiastic, a leader. We think you’ll do great things here, and we hope that we’ll open some doors for you. You will make lifelong friendships, and hopefully, you’ll be the type of person whose positive impact will be felt here for many years.

This is the start of something really cool.

We know you have your reasons for joining, and we also know that the reasons you’ll stay will be entirely different. Trust us on that one. People tend to join for the image, the props, and the social stuff. They stay around for the friendships and because they find a place where they can impact the lives of others. It’s a family. We know this. Soon, you will, too.

Soon, these letters will be yours. But, there’s one lesson that we need to impress upon you before you sign your name on the dotted line, pay that first fee, and get that first t-shirt. It’s the single most important thing we’re going to ask of you, so you need to listen and understand it, now, before you say “yes.”

It’s the one most important thing that any fraternity or sorority can impress upon its new members. It’s the one lesson that every group must impress upon its newest members. Truly, our survival as an organization on this campus, and nationwide, depends on you understanding this one simple lesson and taking it to heart.

It’s more important than our history, our traditions, our structure, or our rules. Because, if you don’t understand this most fundamental lesson, then none of the other stuff will matter. If you don’t get this one “golden rule of fraternity,” then your son or daughter won’t have this kind of organization to join someday, and all of this will just be a fuzzy memory.

Here it is. Ready?

From the moment you say yes to this organization, you are always wearing your letters.

I’m going to repeat it.

From the moment you say yes to this organization, you are always wearing your letters.

We’re not talking about t-shirts, or sweatshirts, or hats made in the colors of the group. We’re not talking about a tattoo on your ankle, some party favor, or a badge you wear on your dress shirt.

What we mean is that when you say yes to lifetime membership in this group, everything you say, do and represent from that moment forward is a direct reflection on this group, your brothers, and the thousands of members who have come before you. Everything you put out to the world is a direct reflection of this fraternity. Every decision, every achievement, every mistake you make happens to all of us from this point forward.

When you go to the grocery store, you represent us. If you fall asleep in class or earn a weak grade, you represent us. When you drive down the road and slow down so a pedestrian can cross the street, you represent us.

When you turn 21 and hit the town, you represent us. When you become a leader of another campus organization, you represent us. When you insult someone or talk badly about another fraternity, you represent us. When you break up with someone and make decisions about how you behave during that difficult time, you represent us. When you go on Spring Break, you represent us.

When you go home and sit at your mother’s dining room table, you represent us. When you get a job and go to work for a company or organization, you represent us. When you commit your life to that special person, someday, you represent us.
You are always wearing your letters.

From this day forward, always. Every day, in every situation. They never come off.

As surely as if you tattooed these letters on your forehead. It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing a jersey with our name on it, or a business suit at an interview. You have to assume that every person you meet will form a permanent opinion about fraternities – good or bad – based on how you interact with them. Every good thing you do builds us up. Every dumb thing you do tears us down.

We live in a time when the actions of one man or one woman can kill a group like ours. One person who acts in a way that is inconsistent with our shared values can end a hundred years of tradition and pride. One choice you make on a Friday night can take away everything that generations of men have worked to build.

All the stuff you see that belongs to us can be boxed up or thrown out, because of the choices you make.

If this seems a little intense, that’s good. Because it’s serious. If it sounds like too much responsibility, or if you don’t think you can behave in a way that reflects well on us at all times, then walk away now. Do us the favor. We won’t think less of you. In fact, we’ll thank you. This sort of commitment isn’t for everybody.

But, don’t say yes unless you understand.

We’re not asking you to give up anything. We aren’t asking you to become something you aren’t. We’re asking you to become something more. We’re inviting you to become part of a group of men who make a promise to take care of each other, every day. We’re asking you to become the very best version of you that you can be.

We’re asking you to take a leap of maturity and to go to that place where you’re the same, honorable, dignified person on Saturday night as you are on Tuesday morning.

It’s a big deal, and not everyone can do it. Forget everything you’ve heard up to this point. Forget how much you might desire this, or how much we might want to bring you into the group. Just clear your mind and ask yourself one question.

Are you ready to never take them off?

Because when you say yes, you’re not just putting letters on a sweatshirt. You’re putting them in your heart. You’re forever stamping your identity with them. Everything you are, from this point on, becomes who we are.

You will make mistakes, and brothers will remind you of your commitment. There will be times where you will see other brothers forgetting their promise, and you’ll need to remind them. That’s part of this whole “fraternity” thing. We work together to make ourselves better men who stand for something. We carry each other. We matter to one another.

If we’re doing fraternity right, then we’ll make you a better man. If you’re doing everything right, then you will make us a better organization.

So, please think about it. Take it seriously.

Because if you say yes, these letters belong to you as surely as they belonged to our founders. If you say yes, these letters become your responsibility forever.
That’s the promise.”

(via The Apathy Myth)

For those in the Greek Community or planning on joining the Greek Community at some point, please give these words a little bit of thought.

Since the racially-charged incidents at UCSD* started in part because of several Greek organizations, I’ve been giving the idea of representation a lot of thought. People think of joining a sorority or fraternity for friends, for parties, for fun and good times, but branding yourself as a member of certain letters is a responsibility that we only seem to remember during initiation (reciting vows of lifetime membership, and being considered a recognized member) and other ritual events.

I enjoy being in my sorority, and I’m proud to be part of a sisterhood. However, there’s nothing scarier than knowing that everything you do from initiation on is a representation of an entire group of people you respect. As one of my sisters said, “What we mean is that when you say yes to lifetime membership in this group, everything you say, do and represent from that moment forward is a direct reflection on this group, your brothers, and the thousands of members who have come before you. Everything you put out to the world is a direct reflection of this fraternity. Every decision, every achievement, every mistake you make happens to all of us from this point forward.”

I know most people don’t respect sorority girls or fraternity men, because they don’t know the meaning of being bound by those letters and only see our escapades in drinking or in partying. But being Greek is a lot more than that, and being a sister is a lot more than that. It teaches, more than anything else, to respect an alliance and to better yourself because of it, and you become more than yourself.

* ‘Compton Cookout’ Cheatsheet by Teresa Wu, fellow UCSD student (and incidentally also graduated from my high school), for those who would like to follow the incident but don’t know where to start.

god and i opined

Let me start off my spiel by saying that I do not believe in talking about religion through the internet on principle, because most readers will merely take these words and project their own opinions through them without considering what is actually said. This bit of thought is not to be interpreted as a request for debate or criticism of Christians/atheists/whatever. With that said:

I despise the way Christianity is used nowadays, as a crutch by both those who follow the faith blindly and by those who label believers as backwards, whose opinions are not to be considered. I don’t think morals should have anything to do with religion, because what’s right should be right because it has a place in the world—not because God says so.

I’ve heard, listened, and watched too many people use Christianity as a defining edge in a stance. Citing scripture is not an appropriate form of argumentation, though it may be used as support. At the same time, just because God or the Bible is brought up in a conversation doesn’t mean it should be disregarded completely. Being an atheist doesn’t make one all-knowing, the same way being Christian doesn’t give one all the irrefutable right answers. In this manner I caution against using religion at all in conversation, because who is anyone to say what God wants or whether there is a God at all?

Unfortunately, there seems to be an unspoken rule on the internet that ignorance, irrationality, and sheer stupidity must invade all but few conversations on religion. While I personally believe that faith is a personal matter which requires a great deal of open-mindedness and consideration to cultivate, I seem to find more and more cases where God is a single-dimensional character whose words are twisted and abused to fit specific instances in life.

I suppose what I’m saying is this: if God’s will must be asserted as the reason something should or should not be done, His wishes better not be the sole support. Additionally, knowledge of a few dozen Biblical stories does not imply expertise on the Christian faith. Whether or not there is a God we should listen to should not affect every choice we make, be it the right to gay marriage, abortion, or marrying a cousin. To give all words consideration, even when filled with deep personal conviction, is a true sign of enlightenment, and the key to a rational society where everyone can live in understanding, if not agreement.

life is

Incredibly busy and rewarding right now. I’m stressed out and exhausted but at the end of the day I couldn’t be happier doing anything else, because though maybe all of this will get old one day, it’s all I’ve got now.

(College is: lectures, friends, sorority life, boyfriend, new job, homework, midterms, parties, just enough sleep, and a whole lot of dirty jokes and junk food.)

hello 2010

I realize I’m twelve days late for the “Welcome to the New Year”-shebang, but up until recently 2010 didn’t really feel like the start of anything, much less a new decade. While I’m at it, the year in review:

January

• Started this blog. Wrote a lot while mostly trying to figure out what I wanted from life, especially after grades came out first quarter. Got trashed a few times and felt shitty while trying to get that “lease on life.” Studied. Studied. Studied.

February

• Went home for President’s Day, which was fine until Epic Fight with father. Didn’t talk to him for four months (have yet to grow out of holding grudges). Relationship with boyfriend coming along swimmingly and thought about sex a lot. The internet didn’t help with that one, as everyone seemed to be thinking about sex during February. Questioned what I wanted to do with my life.

March

• Finished the quarter and went to visit the boyfriend on the east coast. Trekked along in NYC and romanticized the idea of moving there when I’m worldly and 24. Quickly came down back to earth after realizing what a ridiculous and unrealistic idea it was. Had massive fight with suitemates over living situation for the next year and held a grudge.

April

• Started a new quarter. Life was good. Went to a lot of concerts and the beach. Had a lot of weird thoughts about my relationship and didn’t realize that they were actually warning signs about the shit-storm that was to come. Won a blow-up doll. Made up with suitemates, grew closer to roommate. Good shit.

May

• Went through too many complicated issues with the boyfriend. Didn’t want to break up but knew what we were doing wasn’t working. Worried about classes and grades a lot. Visited home and made up with Dad after being threatened by Mom. Things were cool by the end of the visit.

Summer

• June-August came and went in a blur of happy memories and good food. Made up with boyfriend by seeing him all the time and talking about it. Made up with Dad by not getting in each other’s hair and not talking about it. Decided to join a sorority. Turned 19.

September

• Came back to school. Partied. Too much alcohol (I think). So much school work. Barely writing.

October

• Rushed and got into a sorority I liked and learned to love. Things are great with the boyfriend, with the new friends, with the roommates. Classes are coming along swimmingly, though I’m eating ramen basically every day. Life is alright. Still not writing.

November

• Life becomes whirl of homework, parties, and people. Having minor fights with boyfriend over somewhat serious/somewhat stupid stuff, which resulted in a lot of two hour long walks at 10 at night. Not thinking about anything but getting into grad school. The whole “future” issue seems to have disappeared, though I’m still fidgeting over it. Wanting to write again.

December

• Studying. Not sleeping enough. So, so ready to go home for Winter Break. Plans were made to visit New York. Plans fell through. Searched for a puppy for Mom and made up with boyfriend. Minor incidences of annoyance with parents. Bearable, through and through. Job searched.

And now? Well, January’s come and is halfway over, and I’m doing good for myself. After intensively dating PortTriton (UCSD’s job listing site), I found a job at a biomedical research lab, where I have a contract to work for at least through the summer and an extended offer to work through the next school year as well. Though it’s only second week, I’m doing my best to stay motivated and get my work in order. I’ve re-resolved to write more (hello, resolution of last year that resulted in this blog) and to care less about what people think of it. Things between the boyfriend and I are good (twenty-one months today!), as are relations with roommates and friends. I’m turning twenty this year, and life looks good.

The whole growing-up in college thing really surprises me sometimes. Having a successful long distance relationship, making friends outside of my established circle, going Greek, and getting a job—these are all things that I thought about but could have never predicted. I’m still making goals for myself, but I’m in no rush. One thing I learned from 2009 is to relax a little bit, so I’m going to do just that. Things will work out because things always work out, and that’s that.

woes of winter quarter

Though I’ve only been back for a few days, I can already feel the days of Winter Quarter slowly melting into each other. I wake up, walk to class, sit through lectures, cook, eat, do homework, sleep. I think about entertaining myself by finding some random freshman boy to creep on but that’s lost its appeal, as second quarter freshman have wised up and are no longer as susceptible to my older woman* charm. There’s a distinct desire to find some beautiful man for a friend or two but those are rare, at best, at UCSD. Soon, and I know myself well enough for this, I will be bitching about how no one gets unplanned pregnancies anymore.

But I digress.

A year or so ago, a family friend decided to suspend his education at UCLA, where he was a very promising engineering student, because he felt like a hamster running in a ball. I don’t quite feel like a hamster. I feel like I’m driving on the 5, only there’s no destination like LA or school at the end of the trip. After a while the scenery just starts to blend into the ground, even though I know that one bush or penis-shaped rock is never the same as the last one.

This is the best form of brainwashing myself into believing that this is what I really want and that a certain GPA will guarantee success in the “real world.” Pish posh. What I really want to know is how happy I have to be to be satisfied, or whether that actually exists when you’re nineteen.

I understand that I’m merely waxing idiotic on how dreary college can be after the parties become overrated and the boys fat with beer. But something more exciting has got to be out there, right?

*On my return flight back to San Diego, the luggage guy looked at me and asked if I was old enough to fly alone. Then he looked at my license, said, “Wow, you’re almost 21!”, and laughed.

it works the way it works

Excuse my lack of posts on the state of my relationship and the emotional and physical ups and downs thereof. I’m chalking this one up to school work and good ol’ fashion laziness, but I am also excusing myself in part by saying that my relationship is pretty damn good.

I’m not going to lie and say that the boyfriend and I don’t fight anymore, or that we don’t have disagreements and spats, but things are a lot different from last year. During the summer I wrote about how scared I was that our relationship was going to be different, less significant, because there wasn’t going to be the same unease at being away from each other. What with the sorority and increased workload, I didn’t know if I would have the same time and energy for my relationship.

I’m still a little surprised to be able to say that this is not the case. Something about how our relationship evolved has made us particularly susceptible to talking about potential sources of tension between us. Routine “how can we improve” conversations also help and bring light to issues before they blow out of proportion. Most of all, even when we fight, we’re at a point where we’re often more upset at the situation than we are at each other.

Removing the double standard was a big part of this change. After we realized that demanding time and attention without making an equal effort to return the same affection stressed us out the most, we’ve been more apt to think twice before complaining. As much as we’d like otherwise, we do still have relatively separate lives, with different exam schedules and deadlines.

I’m glad that we transitioned into sophomore year as smoothly as we did. We’re not perfect, but we’re a lot closer to that than we were last year. Have I changed, too? Probably, but in a definite good way. For one, I’ve found that I’m not above apologizing or compromising. Yep, surprises me every time we have an argument, too. Who would have thought? I’m either getting old, or growing up.

renegade mind of a sorority girl

It’s been a square month since I’ve entered Greek life. Since then, I’ve gone through some of the basic traditions towards becoming a full-time active member, such as going through the first degree of initiation, getting a big sis and new family, wearing letters, and learning to put a distinction between myself and my sorority.

I know I’m lucky to go to UCSD, where Greek life is less intense than at other schools, because I still have many opportunities to have a life outside of my chapter. I love my sisters, but I like having non-affiliated friends, too. Entering a sorority is a little like going back to high school: you’re thrust back into cliques with the occasionally catty girl or two. It’s nice to have an extended network of girls who have a connection to you and will talk to you regardless of how different you are, but there is the drama expected of placing 80-100+ girls into a room together. Having friends who don’t have an idea what Presents and Serenades are is a delightfully different change of pace.

There’s some definite truth in saying that I’m not a typical sorority girl. Half the time I forget I’m even affiliated, actually, because I live with girls who aren’t and are friends with girls who aren’t. In fact, I hold a certain set level of annoyance towards any Greek girls who don’t hold themselves at least slightly aloof. If keeping myself from being overwhelmed in just Alpha Alpha Alpha-life means skipping a few sisterhood events and exchanges, then I’m alright with that.

Maybe this means that I’m not taking advantage of the situation that I’ve been put in. Say what you will, but in a sense I am paying for friends. There’s no specific guarantee that I’ll like everyone in my chapter, but joining a sorority is allowing yourself to be scheduled into social events, where you’ll at least learn to be acquaintances with a far larger circle of people than you would meet otherwise. I love my sisters, but I refuse to let myself be limited by them. I am more than my chapter, and far more than a sorority girl.